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Thirst Trap

Dress to impress

Happy Halloween, slut!

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Thirst Trap

Editor’s Note: Thirst Trap is a weekly column on dating and relationships in college. And it's sometimes satirical.

Mean Girls said it best: “Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” 

Yep, ladies, this is it. Your one chance to wear sexy clothes and not be slut-shamed.

But wait, there’s more to it than a little black dress, heels, and a cat ear headband. This is an opportunity to easily strike up a conversation and attract attention from your preferred demographic — men, because that’s who all my personal choices aim to please. We can use this whole dressing-up business to our advantage, showing our best, and really our only, asset: our bodies.

To make the most of the festivities, think about whose attention you are looking for. Get a clear image. Now, what would that person be drawn to in a Halloween costume? 

You should always, always dress for other people.

For example, if you are into the sporty type, dress as a cheerleader. Faking a common interest is a great way to get the ball rolling with someone new. This costume is made all the more effective if you are a female dressing for male attention, as that is your job and should be your main objective when scanning through your closet at all times of year.

If you want to attract a more academic type, dress as sexy Bill Nye. Sexualizing someone we watched as children is fun. Not creepy at all! 

In fact, let’s over-sexualize a bunch of things that were hopefully never intended to be sexualized. How about sexy Dora the Explorer, or sexy Blue’s Clues, or sexy Alice in Wonderland? How about we skip the pop culture references and just dress as sexualized children? Clearly, this will attract attention from the right kind of people. 

If you seek validation from frat boys, try dressing up as a frat boy. Except do so with an oversized button-up and no pants. This makes you their equal, but their sexy equal. Like you’re their bro that they secretly objectify, but hopefully this outfit will bring that attitude to the forefront. 

If you want to attract a hypebeast, dress as a Supreme fanny pack — a slutty Supreme fanny pack, of course. This will literally turn you into an object, but an object that your ideal man will want. Name a more perfect outfit for a night of jungle juice and Travis Scott on loop; I’ll wait. So long as you are desirable, you have picked the right costume for him — I mean, for you.

After all, Halloween comes but once a year, and it’s the only chance we have to dress like this. The rest of the year, it’s back to turtlenecks and long sleeves or else facing the keen yet warranted sting of slut-shaming. 

I urge you to take this unique opportunity for liberation and use it to please men. Attracting a truly one-of-a-kind frat boy named Brad is definitely a priority this cuffing season.

Whatever you do, however you dress, so long as you dress your own body for someone else, you should successfully attract the perfect boo this Halloween. Forget comfy costumes, or matching ensembles with your girls, or wearing what makes you feel most confident — this is our one chance to be slutty without judgment, remember? 

In all seriousness, Halloween costumes are supposed to be fun, like when we could dress up as a bunny without the obligation of a fuzzy ball tacked to our butts. Halloween costumes designed through the male gaze are markedly less fun.

I fully intend on wearing a "slutty" costume, and definitely not to impress men. If you want to wear lingerie and animal ears, I hope you feel amazing and comfortable. I hope friendly drunk girls compliment your outfit, and I hope you get 100% engagement on whatever super cute picture makes it to your Instagram. I hope you wear that costume because you think you look hot, not because others think you look hot. And I hope no one gives you any issues with that on Halloween, or any night, for that matter.

Reach columnist Hannah Krieg at wellness@dailyuw.com. Twitter: @Hannah_krieg

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(2) comments

vjaur

i am so concerned about this piece. if it is satire, it has utterly failed to hit the correct tone that would let readers know it's satire. if it's not, that's even more concerning. this is such an antiquated, heteronormative take that i don't even know where to begin with this mess...



i'm actually in awe at how this was published online by the daily, a verified twitter account with over 13,000 followers. what are you telling people when you publish this? is this what your publication stands for? do you endorse what the author said in this column?



...was the author paid to write this? is this where UW students tuition is going, to pay people to make terrible takes like this?

Windows_64x

I am astounded that you believe that this opinion was worth the time and effort you took to hit each and every individual key required in this awful attempt to express what dog shite thought process led to this post. Your post is clearly an admission of failure as a human being. Please discontinue your existence. Refrain from further posts.

John 11:35

(look it up if you don't love god enough to know this off the top of your head)

Peace and Love

~Elton John

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